This Friday is my Dad's birthday. He would have been 59. At sunset we're planning on spreading his ashes at the National Seashore up near Wellfleet in Cape Cod, Mass. It was one of his favorite places and that was what he told my Mom he wanted. It's been too long since he passed away to be doing this now, but it's finally happening, after many failed attempts, and for that I'm thankful.
My mom is a wreck, as I pretty much expected. There is a reason why people are buried or scattered days after they pass away so its all over in one felled swoop. As far as I'm concerned this is just opening up the wound, and letting all the emotions and sadness percolate back up to the top again, 3 years too late. But, my mom was having issues letting go and it was one of the things she refused let me take care of when he died. His death was just so unexpected, I think no one knew really what to do.
I've been numb to the whole thing for a while now and I don't think I've had the closure I needed with his death. I was so busy taking care of my mother when it happened, I don't even think I had time to really grieve for myself. Honestly, I don't think scattering his ashes is going to do that for me. Originally I had wanted a part of him buried in the family plot in High Falls along side my grandfather (who also died young). Then, I would at least have a place I could go and talk to some of the earthly part of him, instead of just talking to the wind. I want to get some sort of marker to put out there, to acknowledge his life, but it won't be the same.
Hey, who knows. When the lid comes off the urn and he's cast into the sunset, maybe a peace and finality will settle over us as the sun gets tucked in for the night.
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